He sees you when you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake, and we're just supposed to be ok with that? He's making a list and checking it twice, but what kind of information is on that list? Does the big man in red store all the massive amounts of data he collects securely, or can all the elves peruse it at their leisure?
Let's face it, Santa Claus is a huge security risk and a privacy nightmare. How does he get away with these massive breaches of your right to privacy year after year? And what can you do about it? Find out below, and do it fast, because he's coming to town very, very, very soon.
Santa Is Always Watching You
How? We have no idea, but he does it, and you could say it's well-documented. Santa is so good at getting information on us that he even knows our deepest desires and can answer what we want for Christmas without giving it a second thought.
Sure, most people willingly give over this information in the form of letters addressed to the North Pole, but many of us keep it to ourselves. I wouldn't be surprised if Santa employs advanced algorithms, like many Big Tech corporations, to analyze our internet browsing trends, what we watch and read, and shopping habits.
So there's a naughty list and a nice list, and everyone's on it, but what is it that determines which list we end up on? And once again, how does Santa come across this information? Unlike presents, it's much more challenging to know what we are doing away from devices and how we treat people.
Moreover, there are ethics and morality involved. Santa has some way of determining which actions or activities are sorted into their respective "naughty" or "nice" categories.
More than likely, Santa feeds our behavioral information into automated code that organizes specific actions into groups based on signifiers. The amount of information needed to do this effectively, with certainty, and on a global scale is mind-boggling and terrifying.
The Door is Locked, but the Chimney Is Open
The sheer determination of Nicky Christmas, this guy just won't quit. Santa will never take no for an answer.
If the door is locked, then he'll just go down the chimney, raid your cookies and milk, and maybe kiss your mom on the way out. The guy isn't concerned if your roof is up to code and can support a chubby guy, eight full-grown reindeer (maybe nine if you count Rudolph), and a fully-loaded sled carrying the weight of around twelve billion presents.
I don't know about you, but where we come from, that kind of thing is called "B and E," or breaking and entering, and carries a pretty hefty criminal penalty with almost guaranteed jail time.
Ad Revenue: How Santa Pays for His Massive Operation
Keeping surveillance tabs on the world, funding a massive sweatshop that runs three hundred and sixty-four days a year, propping up the logistics of a twenty-four-hour worldwide freight run, feeding and grooming eight (or nine) large domesticated animals, and keeping Mrs. Claus happy has to take an enormous amount of cash. How can a toy maker afford the bill?
It's simple, Santa is selling ads. Like Google, Santa must make billions from leasing ad space and by providing preferred product inclusions. It's the only way someone can , Santa must make billions from leasing ad space and by providing preferred product inclusions. It's the only way someone can work from home and make that kind of dough. Think about it, he's always in his pajamas, even on the one day a year the guy leaves his house to go to the office.
Santa's Corporate Coca-cola Sponsorship
Coke is delicious, but the company is far from being one of the "good guys." Why is it then that Santa (and the polar bears) have allowed the company to all but trademark their likeness? Not only is Santa a sellout, but he also plays a part in manufacturing millions of plastic bottles, one of the most littered things on the entire planet.
What kind of kickbacks does Santa receive? What's in it for him? Is the bearded one just a face for the brand or something more? Maybe a partner? Coke would benefit significantly from accessing his massive datasets, and it would explain how a simple soft drink company was able to take over the globe.
We should be worried about Santa's close relationship with Macy's also, but to be honest, department stores are on their way out anyway.
Santa's Partner in Crime, aka The Elf on the Shelf
It's not just Santa we should be worried about. Let's not forget the Elf on the Shelf, or as we like to call him, the Chuckie of Christmas. This elf (or elves, the jury is still out) works in conjunction with head-honcho Nick to infiltrate the sanctity of households and relay information.
The Elf on the Shelf is a spy, and he (or she or they, the jury is still out) manages to gather enormous amounts of tracking data. Where you are, where you go, how you spend your free time, your daily routine, and who you live with—the elf perched on your shelf knows it all. Santa's very own private investigator or KGB agent is just as big of a threat as Boss Kringle.
How To Protect Your Privacy During the Holidays
Scared yet? You should be. But don't worry. There's plenty you can do to protect your privacy this holiday season.
Well, not really. Santa has been doing this for a long time. He's been around much longer than intrusive companies Amazon, Google, Microsoft, and Apple. So maybe all hope is lost, but we like to think making a few intelligent privacy-focused decisions can keep the King of the North at bay. Or, at the very least, keep him from knowing everything.
- Personally set your privacy settings on your devices: If Santa is accessing your phone through apps or other means, this may slow him down.
- Create strong passwords for accounts: And make sure that the darned elf isn't looking over your shoulder as you type it in.
- Update all your apps and software: If Santa uses the same malware he was using in the 90s to gain access to your information, this should end it.
- Replace your original fireplace with an alternate heat source: Close it up tight, and let's see if the big man in red tries to slip through.
- Enlist the help of security services: At Internxt, only you can see your files and data stored on our secure cloud. Our service is 100% Santa-proof, guaranteed!
Does Santa Do More Good Than Harm?
We're not trying to be a scrooge here. We're just asking questions. We know Santa brings joy to everyone, just like Google search, but that doesn't mean we should casually hand over our right to privacy for shiny new toys or two. The holiday season is about giving to those you love, not giving away your personal information.
We guess we can put up with jolly ol' St. Nick's privacy shenanigans for another as long as it makes the children happy, but it is important to be wary of even the "good guys" when it comes to our privacy. Our privacy is invaluable and priceless and should not be for sale, no matter how nice that new wagon is.
So Santa, you can have a pass this year. But we need to talk seriously about some targeted privacy legislation in the future.
Until then, Internxt wishes everyone a very Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!
P.S. Santa, if you're reading this (and we know you are), we would really like a new coffee machine this Christmas. You know, the one with the milk brother that grinds its own beans for each cup. Thanks, Santa! We'll be good and keep protecting privacy. We promise!